Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Get the Scoop from Poop!

Welcome to the launch of People Over Other People or POOP. Why? Because I'm just sick and fucking tired of other people. So few people are like Gweneth Paltrow, my muse, truly trying to make a difference in the lives of others. Most people just settle for a life of thoughtlessly and constantly annoying others, making noise and smelling. And also, they're poor. Our motto/catch-phrase is "I'm over it!" Our founding principle? Human beings are this world's worst problem.
Gwen, reacting to news she has a competitor for a lifestyle blog for complacent jerks.

I am truly inspired by Gwen's (that's what I call her) efforts. I have always been a big fan of the Paltrow family. I too am white, want to make a difference, relatively entitled, and live in LA. We have much in common. That's why I stuck by her as a fan, even when Shakespeare In Love won real awards. Even when she married the knob from that band whatsitsname, you know, the homeless person's Radiohead. Even when she named her kid after fruit, I continued to admire her. Then she had to go and do it, she had to use the word "aspect" like a semi-literate American undergraduate who uses it when they mean "respect." She technically isn't using it incorrectly, but I just hate that fucking word. It's like nails on a Gucci bag or across the hood of a fully restored, vintage Corvette for me. I decided she needed some friendly competition.

Some people think that celebrity efforts like this just show that we should not allow celebrities to learn to read or write, they just use it to embarrass themselves. Not me, man! Unfortunately, this world is so full of meanies that Gwen has already had to defend her trailblazing internet effort, telling People magazine (love it--got a subscription): "I think the people who are criticizing it or criticizing the idea of it, don't really get it, because if they did, they would like it..."


Gwen says she started GOOP "because I felt like I had a lot of really useful information that I was privileged enough to get, because I have this amazing, super, fortunate life." Me too. That's, like, exactly why I started POOP! But regrettably, other than this spirited interpretation, this former starlet's amazing effort doesn't seem to be drawing too many followers.

Maybe, I thought, it's not offering lifestyle advice that thin good-looking people can really use. I mean not all of us have fucked our way to the top with Brad Pitt, repeatedly showed our tits in bad movies because art demands it, or touched Ethan Hawke. But we can all identify with the quest for the perfect inexpensive meal to have while walking through the streets of Paris. And I have to admit, I too like to "curl up by the fire with an amazing, transportive novel." Preferably with Christy Turlington (who by the way, is a real celebrity scholar). I think Gwen's site, GOOP, really makes one think new thoughts (like, is "transportive" a word?). And that's my goal too.

But I will do things a little differently. I'm not going to hassle you with a newsletter. But as you can see below, I have slightly updated the categories of the dear woman's efforts, and will use the theme for each posting. The modified theme's reflect a slightly hateful, downmarket perspective, but I think they are hopeful and nourishing just the same.






In the coming months here's what you have to look forward to. In the STEAL category, I will present ways to save your financial and emotional resources for the coming global depression. Under MOCK, you will find me turning the gentle tide of irony, perfected in a decade and a half or so of internet use, towards worthy targets, only because having fun at others' expense is the best way to foment inner beauty. In the GO FUCK YOURSELF, I will, with Christlike self-possession, make examples of bad people and bad habits, and practices I just don't like. In DON'T posts, I will tell you what not to do, and since humans are obedient slaves, you will obey me. In the BEAT section, I let you know which trends are really beat and passe, like motherhood and pet owning.

My sincere thanks to Gwen for showing the way, showing how life can be lived in a better way, by someone better than you. With that, I welcome you to POOP, misanthropy on a higher plane, by someone that's better than you! Enjoy!


jdon said...

I am getting a dog, I don't care what you say. Maybe it will be a secret dog. I can hire someone to get him, or her, and set up clandestine periods of visitation.

I.M. Forme said...

as long as secret dogs don't wake me up at all hours with their adorable barking and whining, fine. But for godsake stand apart from the masses and get the thing trained.

Jaap said...

Secret Guide To Talentless Muppets Who Are Already Bored With Raising Their Children And Bored With Being Married To The King of Corporate Elevator Snuff Music But Who Don't Want Anyone Else To Know How Insatiably Miserable Their Empty and Joyless Lives Have Left Them So Come Up With A Pretentious Lifestyle Blog Not Only To Redirect The Emptiness And Fears Of Public Awareness Of That Emptiness And Unfulfillment But Simultaneously Preach Lifestyles That Only People Who Don't Need To Have Full Time Jobs Can Live And Tout Hotels And Restaurants Which Are Designed To Appear To Be Hip But Instead Are Tragically Simple Regurgitations Of What She's Accidentally Overheard Her More Talented And Richer Friends Talk About Amongst Themselves Whilst Ignoring Her sort of blog, is that it?

I've made a career of hating G-Palt and the mere sighting of her in public places or on telly would normally send me into spastic seizures however, for the benefit of balanced reporting, I will recount that on the Jonathan Ross Show once she was forced to drink a pint of Guinness in front of everyone because she alleged to be a "huge" fan of it. To her credit, she somehow managed to swallow it down and hold off until the end of the show and her regularly scheduled self-induced vomiting to rid her temple of those toxins.

When she starts writing a blog about chain smoking filterless cigarettes and accidently urinating on her sleeping children in a drunken stupor at 3 in the morning I'll start taking her seriously.

But seriously, bravo for this wonderful new blog!

I.M. Forme said...

Yes Jaap, I think you feel me.

I had to keep up with DT so my blog empire will be suitable for merger with yours when the great blog reckoning comes!

And I forgot we exported her to your side of the Atlantic. But we took that soccer player guy whatshisname off your hands so maybe we're even.

I love Guinness. If only schmucks like me could "prove" myself by drinking that on TV.

Thanks for the comments.

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