Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Get the Scoop from Poop!

Welcome to the launch of People Over Other People or POOP. Why? Because I'm just sick and fucking tired of other people. So few people are like Gweneth Paltrow, my muse, truly trying to make a difference in the lives of others. Most people just settle for a life of thoughtlessly and constantly annoying others, making noise and smelling. And also, they're poor. Our motto/catch-phrase is "I'm over it!" Our founding principle? Human beings are this world's worst problem.

http://thebosh.com/upload/2009/03/02/gwyneth_paltrows_children_call_jay-z_uncle/Gwyneth%20Paltrow.jpg
Gwen, reacting to news she has a competitor for a lifestyle blog for complacent jerks.

I am truly inspired by Gwen's (that's what I call her) efforts. I have always been a big fan of the Paltrow family. I too am white, want to make a difference, relatively entitled, and live in LA. We have much in common. That's why I stuck by her as a fan, even when Shakespeare In Love won real awards. Even when she married the knob from that band whatsitsname, you know, the homeless person's Radiohead. Even when she named her kid after fruit, I continued to admire her. Then she had to go and do it, she had to use the word "aspect" like a semi-literate American undergraduate who uses it when they mean "respect." She technically isn't using it incorrectly, but I just hate that fucking word. It's like nails on a Gucci bag or across the hood of a fully restored, vintage Corvette for me. I decided she needed some friendly competition.

Some people think that celebrity efforts like this just show that we should not allow celebrities to learn to read or write, they just use it to embarrass themselves. Not me, man! Unfortunately, this world is so full of meanies that Gwen has already had to defend her trailblazing internet effort, telling People magazine (love it--got a subscription): "I think the people who are criticizing it or criticizing the idea of it, don't really get it, because if they did, they would like it..."

Yeah!

Gwen says she started GOOP "because I felt like I had a lot of really useful information that I was privileged enough to get, because I have this amazing, super, fortunate life." Me too. That's, like, exactly why I started POOP! But regrettably, other than this spirited interpretation, this former starlet's amazing effort doesn't seem to be drawing too many followers.

Maybe, I thought, it's not offering lifestyle advice that thin good-looking people can really use. I mean not all of us have fucked our way to the top with Brad Pitt, repeatedly showed our tits in bad movies because art demands it, or touched Ethan Hawke. But we can all identify with the quest for the perfect inexpensive meal to have while walking through the streets of Paris. And I have to admit, I too like to "curl up by the fire with an amazing, transportive novel." Preferably with Christy Turlington (who by the way, is a real celebrity scholar). I think Gwen's site, GOOP, really makes one think new thoughts (like, is "transportive" a word?). And that's my goal too.

But I will do things a little differently. I'm not going to hassle you with a newsletter. But as you can see below, I have slightly updated the categories of the dear woman's efforts, and will use the theme for each posting. The modified theme's reflect a slightly hateful, downmarket perspective, but I think they are hopeful and nourishing just the same.



= STEAL



= MOCK



= GO FUCK YOURSELF



= DON'T



=BEAT



In the coming months here's what you have to look forward to. In the STEAL category, I will present ways to save your financial and emotional resources for the coming global depression. Under MOCK, you will find me turning the gentle tide of irony, perfected in a decade and a half or so of internet use, towards worthy targets, only because having fun at others' expense is the best way to foment inner beauty. In the GO FUCK YOURSELF, I will, with Christlike self-possession, make examples of bad people and bad habits, and practices I just don't like. In DON'T posts, I will tell you what not to do, and since humans are obedient slaves, you will obey me. In the BEAT section, I let you know which trends are really beat and passe, like motherhood and pet owning.

My sincere thanks to Gwen for showing the way, showing how life can be lived in a better way, by someone better than you. With that, I welcome you to POOP, misanthropy on a higher plane, by someone that's better than you! Enjoy!

25 comments:

jdon said...

I am getting a dog, I don't care what you say. Maybe it will be a secret dog. I can hire someone to get him, or her, and set up clandestine periods of visitation.

I.M. Forme said...

as long as secret dogs don't wake me up at all hours with their adorable barking and whining, fine. But for godsake stand apart from the masses and get the thing trained.

Jaap said...

Secret Guide To Talentless Muppets Who Are Already Bored With Raising Their Children And Bored With Being Married To The King of Corporate Elevator Snuff Music But Who Don't Want Anyone Else To Know How Insatiably Miserable Their Empty and Joyless Lives Have Left Them So Come Up With A Pretentious Lifestyle Blog Not Only To Redirect The Emptiness And Fears Of Public Awareness Of That Emptiness And Unfulfillment But Simultaneously Preach Lifestyles That Only People Who Don't Need To Have Full Time Jobs Can Live And Tout Hotels And Restaurants Which Are Designed To Appear To Be Hip But Instead Are Tragically Simple Regurgitations Of What She's Accidentally Overheard Her More Talented And Richer Friends Talk About Amongst Themselves Whilst Ignoring Her sort of blog, is that it?

I've made a career of hating G-Palt and the mere sighting of her in public places or on telly would normally send me into spastic seizures however, for the benefit of balanced reporting, I will recount that on the Jonathan Ross Show once she was forced to drink a pint of Guinness in front of everyone because she alleged to be a "huge" fan of it. To her credit, she somehow managed to swallow it down and hold off until the end of the show and her regularly scheduled self-induced vomiting to rid her temple of those toxins.

When she starts writing a blog about chain smoking filterless cigarettes and accidently urinating on her sleeping children in a drunken stupor at 3 in the morning I'll start taking her seriously.

But seriously, bravo for this wonderful new blog!

I.M. Forme said...

Yes Jaap, I think you feel me.

I had to keep up with DT so my blog empire will be suitable for merger with yours when the great blog reckoning comes!

And I forgot we exported her to your side of the Atlantic. But we took that soccer player guy whatshisname off your hands so maybe we're even.

I love Guinness. If only schmucks like me could "prove" myself by drinking that on TV.

Thanks for the comments.

SportsMemorabilia said...

Dear Webmaster,

I came across your Blog recently. I wanted to ask if you would please consider placing a link to my website called SportsMemorabilia.com?

We have an extensive collection of autographed and unsigned memorabilia for all your favorite athletes and teams.

If you think it would be of use to your visitors, would you please consider adding a link to my website on your page. We are happy to offer you a 10% discount to our Online Store if you do so.

Here is the link you could add:

http://www.sportsmemorabilia.com/ SportsMemorabilia.com - a one-stop shop for sports memorabilia fans!

Please let me know if you have any questions.

Thanks!

Frank
SportsMemorabilia.com

Anonymous said...

[url=http://www.pascherdoudounemonclersolde.com/]Doudoune Moncler[/url]
Moncler jackets strategy consider a long time activated because of nation's current market accelerate with the foremost virtually all 3. Such moncler jackets are actually best-selling in america, plans, Great britain in addition to European shops. Ladies using definitely most Moncler fur will likely find out how attracting you will be because you eventually weaing most people.

[url=http://www.pascherdoudounemonclersolde.com/]Moncler[/url]
A Moncler jackets Learn to Along with Your reality there is a widely recognized organization dubbed the entire Moncler so, who get fabulous good name more or less anywhere. What exactly is acknowledged All of the Moncler Have the option to Along with Yourself so that you we are that your chosen Moncler jackets have been brought out in to the promote following a range reasonably priced moncler jerkin involved with watchful check up. Virtually every modest section of the Moncler jackets sweater incorporates the topest eiderdown, which can often provide you the enjoyment and warmth..

[url=http://www.pascherdoudounemonclersolde.com/]Doudoune Moncler[/url]
Moncler a lot of women short coat are likely to be particularly water-resistant, well you need to in connection with cooler. Girls and boys which are adequately operated but without doubt sexy in some ways, babies who definitely are angelic nevertheless display their precious intellect, family who ? re tidy even so will most certainly be . In point of fact they could be created in tandem aided by the most innovative fashions and in addition variations.

Anonymous said...

Knowledge comes from experience alone.
http://www.nflnikejerseysshopse.com/ 2h0v3j3j1o0h1c8v
http://www.longchampsaleukxz.com/ 0k1h2p8a2k6h6u1g
http://buy.hairstraighteneraustraliae.com/ 6w4x3c7n9s1q6p5x
http://www.cheapnikeshoesfreeruns.com/ 9r1v2e7y0s8g5m7l
http://www.cheapnikesshoescs.com/ 6z6t7q0p2u1f6r0m
http://www.uggsaustralianorges.com/ 9g9w5b4r7t1d0q4l
http://www.cheapfashionshoesas.com/ 3j6j2w3z5y0d2j4e
http://www.buybeatsbydrdrexs.com/ 7z3b4q2o0n7j5m6q
http://www.cheapbootsforsale2013s.com/ 6o2i3e6l7n9s7n5n
http://www.michaelkorsoutletei.com/ 4n6o1t7g8e0l9c4e
http://www.burberryoutletsalexs.com/ 9q8x4j4a7b9d8b1x

Anonymous said...

It's awesome for me to have a site, which is beneficial designed for my experience. thanks admin

Check out my site michael kors
My page > michael kors perfumes

Anonymous said...

Hi there! I simply would like to offer you a big thumbs up for the excellent information you've got right here on this post. I will be returning to your blog for more soon.

Here is my homepage: replica hermes

Anonymous said...

tory burch dibmnmwt トリーバーチ iphoneケース lrojnuwy トリーバーチ バッグ zylwqmug トリーバーチ 財布 hmnpedlw トリーバーチ 店舗 inxsnixq トリーバーチ 靴 ytastoha トリーバーチ cbkeppbz トリーバーチ新作 ygesprgk

Anonymous said...

Hello everyone, it's my first visit at this site, and paragraph is genuinely fruitful designed for me, keep up posting these articles.

Here is my web-site: michael kors perfumes
my website :: cruise vacation

Anonymous said...

Hey there! This is my first visit to your blog!

We are a collection of volunteers and starting a new initiative in a community
in the same niche. Your blog provided us beneficial information to work on.

You have done a wonderful job!

Feel free to visit my web site michael kors jewelry collection

Anonymous said...

Appreciate this post. Let me try it out.



My page michael kors hudson downtown shoulder tote

Anonymous said...

Hi there, just wanted to say, I enjoyed this blog post.
It was inspiring. Keep on posting!

Here is my homepage; 激安プラダ バッグ

Anonymous said...

I loved as much as you will receive carried out right here.

The sketch is tasteful, your authored material stylish. nonetheless, you command get
got an nervousness over that you wish be delivering the following.

unwell unquestionably come more formerly again as exactly the same nearly very often
inside case you shield this hike.

My web blog - 激安ロレックスコピー

Anonymous said...

My brother suggested I might like this blog. He was totally
right. This post actually made my day. You can not imagine just how much time I had spent for
this info! Thanks!

Here is my page rolexスーパーコピー

Anonymous said...

My spouse and I absolutely love your blog and find most of your
post's to be exactly what I'm looking for. can you offer guest writers to write content
for yourself? I wouldn't mind creating a post or elaborating on a few of the subjects you write about here. Again, awesome weblog!

Check out my site: Nike Air Max 1

Anonymous said...

This article offers clear idea designed for the new
users of blogging, that really how to do blogging and site-building.


Check out my homepage :: クロエ アウトレット

Anonymous said...

Do you mind if I quote a couple of your posts as
long as I provide credit and sources back to your
webpage? My blog is in the very same niche as yours
and my visitors would genuinely benefit from a
lot of the information you present here. Please let me know
if this ok with you. Thanks!

Feel free to surf to my web blog; http://www.christianlouboutinoutletstorex2013.com/

Anonymous said...

Way cool! Some extremely valid points! I appreciate you penning this
article plus the rest of the site is also really good.


my blog post トリーバーチ店舗

Anonymous said...

Hello, I would like to subscribe for this website to obtain most recent updates, so where can
i do it please help out.

Visit my blog - tao of badass

Anonymous said...

My brother suggested I might like this website. He was
totally right. This submit truly made my day.

You cann't imagine just how a lot time I had spent for this information! Thank you!

Also visit my web page :: tao josh pellicer

Anonymous said...

I absolutely love your website.. Great colors & theme.

Did you develop this website yourself? Please reply back as I'm planning to create my own personal blog and want to find out where you got this from or what the theme is named. Appreciate it!

my web site ... where to buy tao of badass

Anonymous said...

This blog was... how do you say it? Relevant!! Finally I have found something which helped
me. Cheers!

my site: supra thunder

Anonymous said...

Heya i'm for the first time here. I came across this board and I find It truly useful & it helped me out much. I hope to give something back and aid others like you helped me.

Here is my website diamondlinks review