Thursday, April 2, 2009



...keep talking.

Today's lesson: Less talk more rock.

Stop fucking talking and do some thinking instead. Really. Try to avoid unnecessary electronic conversations for an entire day. Can you do it? Can you stand the silence, or will it remind you that you lack an inner life? People talk entirely too much these days. Am I to believe that since the cell phone revolution, everyone suddenly needs to talk all the fucking time? Even if it bothers others (the real point I suspect) or puts everyone else at risk (when cell phone zombies navigating their weaponized cars while even more cognitively impaired than usual)?

When's the last time you had a private thought of your own? Can't remember?

Hmm. Wonder why the US economy is going down the shit pipe? Perhaps its because the entire country stopped thinking and started dialing. If an entire economy is on the phone, who's making the donuts? And we can't trust Darwinism here because cell phone zombies are just as likely to kill others with their cars. It's a frustrating situation for a misanthrope.

And what is this Twittering shit about? Just because we killed off the print media and the associated concept of "editor" doesn't mean we should further pollute the cognitive environment with this useless claptrap. Yes, I am annoyed by the movement of your thumbs. They are opposable and you could be doing something else with them, is my view, like figuring out ways to make my life more pleasurable or directly pleasuring me. Speaking of your children, doesn't it bother you that they will grow up without the ability to properly communicate with others, or posses skills other than the ability to successfully recharge their devices and track their facebook accounts? Is stalking a marketable skill? Your kids will all be naked on the internet soon anyway, why not give them a shred of humanity back and teach them to read quietly or something.
Do you have either of these things? You may be in danger.

OMG yr talking in this economy?
Talking costs money. Look at your cell phone bill, and the people around you, look at their (eventual) health care bills from when they go crazy listening to you blab on about nothing. And then there's your head cancer health bill in 7-18 years, that's gonna add up. And hurt like hell is what I'm hearing. Hey when you have head cancer, will it really matter if you find out the cellular industry spent 20 years paying scientists to prove that you don't? Big Tobacco is generous with their playbook is all I'm sayin.
Did a corporation just bend you over? There's an ap for that too.

Status in society
Trying to look important/loved/relevant by talking on your telephone in public. Important people keep their thoughts to themselves. Truly relevant people excuse themselves to take calls. And people who are loved don't need to be reassured all the time. You? You're probably none of the above, truth be told, so at least try to look like you are a class act. Hide your low self esteem; that's what hiding is for! Being unable to cross the street without a communication device pinned to your head is a clear sign of neediness and boys don't like needy girls.

Abe Lincoln wants you to shut the f*ck up.
You know he said better to keep your piehole closed and keep everyone guessing then open yer trap and prove to everyone you're an asshat. Or something like that. Also there's that bumpersticker: Don't worry what other people think, they don't do it that often. Actually I have no idea what that has to do with this. Point is, folk wisdom man. Abe Lincoln? He was an American hero.

Do Drugs instead:
If you need to have your life (standing in line at the post-office, buying groceries) constantly mediated, try doing it the old fashioned way--through the abuse of recreational drugs. The best ones are the particularly fatal ones that will pull you out of society and prevent you from bothering me until you smash through my plate glass to steal for drug money. Drunkenness, if done quietly, gets the job done too.

You're hurting me, and the children
What you're really doing is slowly devaluing the act of communication, to the point where when I want to use it, it won't be worth a shit. Is that what you want to leave your kids, in addition to the gift of a democratic Iraq?
This guy was in a cigarette costume last week.

Style your life, you spineless shit. Start by showing you're not an insecure, self-centered asshole and shut the fuck up once in a while. And learn to drive.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Get the Scoop from Poop!

Welcome to the launch of People Over Other People or POOP. Why? Because I'm just sick and fucking tired of other people. So few people are like Gweneth Paltrow, my muse, truly trying to make a difference in the lives of others. Most people just settle for a life of thoughtlessly and constantly annoying others, making noise and smelling. And also, they're poor. Our motto/catch-phrase is "I'm over it!" Our founding principle? Human beings are this world's worst problem.
Gwen, reacting to news she has a competitor for a lifestyle blog for complacent jerks.

I am truly inspired by Gwen's (that's what I call her) efforts. I have always been a big fan of the Paltrow family. I too am white, want to make a difference, relatively entitled, and live in LA. We have much in common. That's why I stuck by her as a fan, even when Shakespeare In Love won real awards. Even when she married the knob from that band whatsitsname, you know, the homeless person's Radiohead. Even when she named her kid after fruit, I continued to admire her. Then she had to go and do it, she had to use the word "aspect" like a semi-literate American undergraduate who uses it when they mean "respect." She technically isn't using it incorrectly, but I just hate that fucking word. It's like nails on a Gucci bag or across the hood of a fully restored, vintage Corvette for me. I decided she needed some friendly competition.

Some people think that celebrity efforts like this just show that we should not allow celebrities to learn to read or write, they just use it to embarrass themselves. Not me, man! Unfortunately, this world is so full of meanies that Gwen has already had to defend her trailblazing internet effort, telling People magazine (love it--got a subscription): "I think the people who are criticizing it or criticizing the idea of it, don't really get it, because if they did, they would like it..."


Gwen says she started GOOP "because I felt like I had a lot of really useful information that I was privileged enough to get, because I have this amazing, super, fortunate life." Me too. That's, like, exactly why I started POOP! But regrettably, other than this spirited interpretation, this former starlet's amazing effort doesn't seem to be drawing too many followers.

Maybe, I thought, it's not offering lifestyle advice that thin good-looking people can really use. I mean not all of us have fucked our way to the top with Brad Pitt, repeatedly showed our tits in bad movies because art demands it, or touched Ethan Hawke. But we can all identify with the quest for the perfect inexpensive meal to have while walking through the streets of Paris. And I have to admit, I too like to "curl up by the fire with an amazing, transportive novel." Preferably with Christy Turlington (who by the way, is a real celebrity scholar). I think Gwen's site, GOOP, really makes one think new thoughts (like, is "transportive" a word?). And that's my goal too.

But I will do things a little differently. I'm not going to hassle you with a newsletter. But as you can see below, I have slightly updated the categories of the dear woman's efforts, and will use the theme for each posting. The modified theme's reflect a slightly hateful, downmarket perspective, but I think they are hopeful and nourishing just the same.






In the coming months here's what you have to look forward to. In the STEAL category, I will present ways to save your financial and emotional resources for the coming global depression. Under MOCK, you will find me turning the gentle tide of irony, perfected in a decade and a half or so of internet use, towards worthy targets, only because having fun at others' expense is the best way to foment inner beauty. In the GO FUCK YOURSELF, I will, with Christlike self-possession, make examples of bad people and bad habits, and practices I just don't like. In DON'T posts, I will tell you what not to do, and since humans are obedient slaves, you will obey me. In the BEAT section, I let you know which trends are really beat and passe, like motherhood and pet owning.

My sincere thanks to Gwen for showing the way, showing how life can be lived in a better way, by someone better than you. With that, I welcome you to POOP, misanthropy on a higher plane, by someone that's better than you! Enjoy!