Stuff it up your Aspect! Lifestyle advice from someone who probably hates you.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
DON'T: KEEP TALKING
Today's lesson: Less talk more rock.
Stop fucking talking and do some thinking instead. Really. Try to avoid unnecessary electronic conversations for an entire day. Can you do it? Can you stand the silence, or will it remind you that you lack an inner life? People talk entirely too much these days. Am I to believe that since the cell phone revolution, everyone suddenly needs to talk all the fucking time? Even if it bothers others (the real point I suspect) or puts everyone else at risk (when cell phone zombies navigating their weaponized cars while even more cognitively impaired than usual)?
When's the last time you had a private thought of your own? Can't remember?
Hmm. Wonder why the US economy is going down the shit pipe? Perhaps its because the entire country stopped thinking and started dialing. If an entire economy is on the phone, who's making the donuts? And we can't trust Darwinism here because cell phone zombies are just as likely to kill others with their cars. It's a frustrating situation for a misanthrope.
And what is this Twittering shit about? Just because we killed off the print media and the associated concept of "editor" doesn't mean we should further pollute the cognitive environment with this useless claptrap. Yes, I am annoyed by the movement of your thumbs. They are opposable and you could be doing something else with them, is my view, like figuring out ways to make my life more pleasurable or directly pleasuring me. Speaking of your children, doesn't it bother you that they will grow up without the ability to properly communicate with others, or posses skills other than the ability to successfully recharge their devices and track their facebook accounts? Is stalking a marketable skill? Your kids will all be naked on the internet soon anyway, why not give them a shred of humanity back and teach them to read quietly or something.
Do you have either of these things? You may be in danger.
OMG yr talking in this economy? Talking costs money. Look at your cell phone bill, and the people around you, look at their (eventual) health care bills from when they go crazy listening to you blab on about nothing. And then there's your head cancer health bill in 7-18 years, that's gonna add up. And hurt like hell is what I'm hearing. Hey when you have head cancer, will it really matter if you find out the cellular industry spent 20 years paying scientists to prove that you don't? Big Tobacco is generous with their playbook is all I'm sayin.
Did a corporation just bend you over? There's an ap for that too.
Status in society Trying to look important/loved/relevant by talking on your telephone in public. Important people keep their thoughts to themselves. Truly relevant people excuse themselves to take calls. And people who are loved don't need to be reassured all the time. You? You're probably none of the above, truth be told, so at least try to look like you are a class act. Hide your low self esteem; that's what hiding is for! Being unable to cross the street without a communication device pinned to your head is a clear sign of neediness and boys don't like needy girls.
Abe Lincoln wants you to shut the f*ck up. You know he said better to keep your piehole closed and keep everyone guessing then open yer trap and prove to everyone you're an asshat. Or something like that. Also there's that bumpersticker: Don't worry what other people think, they don't do it that often. Actually I have no idea what that has to do with this. Point is, folk wisdom man. Abe Lincoln? He was an American hero.
Do Drugs instead: If you need to have your life (standing in line at the post-office, buying groceries) constantly mediated, try doing it the old fashioned way--through the abuse of recreational drugs. The best ones are the particularly fatal ones that will pull you out of society and prevent you from bothering me until you smash through my plate glass to steal for drug money. Drunkenness, if done quietly, gets the job done too.
You're hurting me, and the children What you're really doing is slowly devaluing the act of communication, to the point where when I want to use it, it won't be worth a shit. Is that what you want to leave your kids, in addition to the gift of a democratic Iraq?
This guy was in a cigarette costume last week.
Style your life, you spineless shit. Start by showing you're not an insecure, self-centered asshole and shut the fuck up once in a while. And learn to drive.